How I started being social

I grew up very antisocial with strangers. The only way I met people was in school when someone talked to me first, but I never intentionally socialized with people I didn't know if I didn't have to. I had friends, I wasn't completely antisocial, but I never sought to make friends or to get to know people.

This changed for me at the age of 19, when I became very interested in sales. The one thing that I learned from someone that is very well known in the sales space, Grant Cardone, is to have a positive attitude always and be enthusiastic with everyone you meet. So I took this teaching and began to apply it.

It was nerve-racking in the beginning. But I'm here to share the steps I've taken up to now that have formed me into a much more social person compared to how I was at the age of 18.

1. Make eye contact and nod your head

When I began to work on my social skills, I was frightened just by the idea of saying hi to strangers. I was worried that people would ignore me or tell me to not talk to them. 

So before I even started speaking to strangers. I started making eye contact with strangers, and when they made eye contact back, I would nod my head down and back as an acknowledgement.

A head nod is much more subtle if you're frightened by the idea of waving at a stranger or saying hi to a stranger. Practice making eye contact with strangers and giving them a head nod.

2. Say good morning and smile

Being social involves speaking to people. So you have to start with something. Start with "good morning."

It's a very impersonal and generic statement, but it's another step out of your shell into the real world. When you walk down a grocery store aisle and someone is blocking your way, rather than saying "excuse me," say "good morning." When someone walks by you, say good morning. When you're next in line, say good morning to the cashier. When you walk by a teacher at your school, say good morning.

This is good to practice if you have a hard time speaking loudly to strangers. Practice being louder over time and saying it to people further away. Practicing speaking loudly to strangers at a distance is one great way to improve your confidence with people.

Smiling might not be a habit for you and that's okay. It was definitely not easy for me to start consciously doing. I spent months faking my smile just for practice. From what I've seen, men and women of all ages generally respond positively to a smile, many of them smile back. Fake it if you feel you can't do it naturally. It will become easier and more of a habit over time.

3. Compliments

Once you feel as though you are able to say good morning to most people without much fear, anxiety, worry, or nervousness, it's time to take another step. Compliments.

Good morning is generic and you can say it to anyone. A compliment is more personal. The majority of people that you will compliment in your life will appreciate your compliment if you actually believe what you're saying.

Below is a list of the most common compliments I use. You can keep these in mind and use them whenever you see the opportunity to use them. There's many variations of each one so you don't have to say exactly what's listed.

"I like your shirt/jacket/hoodie."

"That's a nice tattoo."

"You're very pretty."

"You have a cute dog."

"I love your attitude/energy."

Throw these around like candy, when you actually believe what you're saying. If you're a man, I wouldn't suggest you go up to a girl you find very unattractive and call her pretty. If you see someone wearing what looks like a generic black tee shirt that does not interest you, I wouldn't suggest you tell them they have a nice shirt.

If the colors on someone's jacket catches your attention, tell them their jacket is nice, or it catches your eye. If there's a girl you find pretty, go up to her and tell her she's pretty, same for women, if you find a handsome man, tell him.

You don't have to start a conversation with anyone or get anyone's contact information, this step is just one step to get you more out of your comfort zone and into socializing.

4. Open ended questions

Let's say you saw someone, you said "good morning" or "excuse me" or "hey" and you told them you like their shirt. They said "thank you." What do you do now?

Ask them an open ended question.

In my opinion, there are three types of questions.

1. Binary questions (yes or no answers)

"Do you know about ___?"

"Do you like ___?"

"Do you do ___?"

These types of questions are most commonly answered with a simple yes or no. Sometimes they're answered with a maybe. Sometimes they're answered with a description of being in between yes or no or sometimes yes and sometimes no. Regardless, the answer is yes, no, or something in between.

2. Logical open ended questions (answers are nouns)

"Where did you get that shirt?"

"What is your dogs name?"

"Where are you from?"

"What are you studying?"

"How old are you?"

These questions are for small talk. If you're hesitant with using the third type of question, start practicing with logical open ended questions and having small talk. You won't have emotional conversations with these but they're good to practice on a regular basis once you're used to greeting and complimenting people on a regular basis.

3. Emotional open ended questions (answers are reasons)

"What do you like about your career?" or "What made you pick that career?"

"What are your goals with that project you're working on?"

These can be hit or miss. Sometimes, when you ask someone what made them pick their field of study, they'll say one word, money. Sometimes, when you ask someone what made them pick their field of study, they'll go into great detail about how when they were a kid, they were fascinated by how a phone can do so many crazy things and it's all just 1s and 0s, and they'll give you a 4 minute story of the things that happened in their life that ended up in them studying computer programming.

It's great when you get a hit on one of these questions. You get to know the person on a deeper level, the person will give you a great deal of information for you to use to continue the conversation, and they'll spend most of the time talking and you can just listen.

Just don't start with an open ended question and also expect to have many conversations. Let people know you're a sane and calm human being through the greeting, a compliment, and small talk questions. Once you know you have their attention, play with different emotional open ended questions until you find something that makes the person start speaking about their backstory to answer it.

Using the three types of questions together

None of the question types are better than any other. They work together. Like the brain and heart work together.

In my personal experience, logical open ended questions lead the way to emotional open ended questions. It's pretty hard to ask someone why they do something if you don't know what they're doing.

If you don't believe me, try asking someone "Why do you study what you study?" without asking them "What do you study?" first.

As I mentioned above, emotional open ended questions can be hit or miss. If you ask someone why they named their son David, one person might give you their religious backstory, another might give a short answer involving David and Goliath, and another person might say it was the first name to pop up when they searched up "boy names" online.

If you miss, and you're not sure how to continue the current topic, you can transition by asking another logical open ended question. If the topic was the fact that they are studying accounting, and you're unsure how to continue that topic, you can transition by asking what school they study at.

Conclusion

Start with the step you feel you should work on next. If you've been saying good morning to people for a while and it's a habit now, start complimenting people. If you've never made eye contact with people, start with making eye contact.

All of these steps work together and do not all have to be used. You don't have to wait to make eye contact with someone before saying hi if they are looking in another direction. You don't have to give someone a compliment before asking what they're shopping for. You don't have to say good morning or hey, you could say excuse me to get their attention.

Keep these steps in mind and work on the next step you believe you need to work on, or work on the one that is the easiest outside your comfort zone.

Get after it.